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Monthly Archives: February 2012

It has been my habit to check on my site every now and then, pretending it has gotten a number of readership, even when no one really follows my writing. I would tweak on the settings and layout, trying on something new, when the obsessive-compulsive (OC) syndrome gets the better of me.

Tonight was no exception. I did just exactly what I have been doing for the past few weeks, except that I accidentally removed my original Flag Counter widget! It happened so fast, that I panicked and tried to recover it by undoing my last action. What is a FAIL? While there were only a few visitors recorded from about 45 countries, still, I felt sad for losing my first ever Flag Counter. Now it no longer matches my blog statistics from Google Analytics because I had to generate a new one. Boo. :( I read from the FAQs on how to recover lost data, but to make it worse, I had deleted the original confirmation email for my first Flag Counter, so I was unable to try at least. :(

I know this is not even worth fretting about, but isn’t it just sad [and frustrating] to lose something because of clumsiness? </3

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Today I woke up from a dream, a terrible one this time. In my dream, I was being initiated by an all-girl group (kind of like a sorority), and I was asked to do things normal people [not even those in the right mind] would. It was a test of obedience.

That day, a fellow neophyte got crazy and ran into the ocean. Perhaps she could no longer take orders from the “master”, so she tried to kill herself. While I wasn’t sure that was her intention, I caught myself running after her. I came to a halt only when I saw two sharks swimming from a distance, but it didn’t stop me from my plan on saving the girl. The waves were crazy, and it was difficult to swim through it while I try not to lose the girl from my sight. Minutes later, I was able to grab her as she struggled to let go. Another big wave. Next thing I knew I was laying by the shore, shoved by the waters of the ocean. When I came to my senses, I frantically looked for the girl whom I tried to rescue. A few meters from where I was, people gathered around at something I could not take a peek of. Though tired and sore, I made my way to see what they were looking at. There, I saw one of the sharks laying down, also got washed ashore. The shark was dead, but something caught my attention. Something that belonged to the girl I thought I had saved. Two people cut the shark open, and there I saw half of the girl’s body it had eaten. It was so gross, I almost caught myself throwing up at what I saw that’s not even worth seeing at all.

Back in my room, at some high-rise building, I was talking to another friend, telling her about what had just happened. We were probably on the 10th floor, and I was facing the window overlooking the main city street. While my friend was talking, I suddenly gasped at the sight of a man who fell face flat on the ground from an electricity post! It’s only been hours since the last time I saw a dead person, and then this!

I swear I held my breath for God-knows-how-long while I tried to figure what to make of these horrible accounts. I’m not sure I want to know what these dreams mean. All I know is that this kind of dream gives me a headache in the morning.

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I had a dream yesterday. At my wedding, I was watching an AVP (audio-visual presentation) showcasing pictures of myself as a kid during the reception. I have never seen most of the baby photos used, but I was sure it was me—short bob with full bangs (imagine Dora, The Explorer or something like my thumbnail picture on my homepage) and chubby flushed cheeks—all smiles. I was laughing the entire time that I was almost close to tears. The kind of laugh that not only puts a smile on your face, but in your heart as well. It was genuine.

What made it more special was the realization that Miggy made that presentation for me. It was our wedding day. We got married.

I kind of breathed a sigh of relief waking up to this dream. I felt light and well-rested. It was beautiful. I’d like to think I was given the chance to take a peek on what the future holds.

…most of my friends in college have been migrating to Singapore to try their luck in search for a greener pasture. In fact, my grade school slash college friend is leaving in a month’s time. In addition to this, one of my closest friends, who is getting married in September this year, will be settling down in The Lion City where her hubby-to-be had been relocated. To be honest, I feel a slight pinch knowing that although she’ll be starting a new life as a married woman, she will still have the chance to hang out with some of our college friends. While as for me, my hubby will take me to the US—away from everybody.

I know my wedding’s not until next year, but I sometimes wonder how long it’ll take me to adapt to a new land while adjusting to a new role as a wife. Ain’t that too much to take? Sometimes, when hubby-to-be and I talk about our plans after the wedding, I would remind him that we take one step at a time. Ah, just thinking about it triggers mixed emotion towards this one big move. Don’t get me wrong—I am just scared—afraid of a lot of things, really. A sea of what if’s storms my head, and knowing that my family’s not going to be arms-length away from me, I feel alone.

Perhaps I should hold on to what my Mom advised me on homesickness:

Don’t let homesickness get to you. Go out. Make friends. Embrace your new life as a married woman. There’s a whole lot more in life that you will discover. Remember that no matter what, we are always here for you.

I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they’re not, and to live within the warmth of your heart—and always call it home. (Paige, The Vow)

I vow to seriously love you, in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. (Leo, The Vow)

I remember a thing of the past. It was one of the most unfortunate days in my life that I never want to recall, let alone relive in my memory, but today I did. It was very ugly. It was a night filled with indifference, bashing, and hatred. To this day, it affects me that I even feel heavy-hearted as I write this post. I was never ready to talk about it with anyone because it was just so difficult to put in words.

Sometimes, when people go through a rough path, they just want to shut everything off, and have a moment where they could be just by themselves.

I have been detached from these people for almost two years now. I never heard from anyone nor did I make an effort to reach out and get in touch with them again. To some, it seemed like I have forgotten—I tell you, I never did. At least now I am able to write about it again. A close friend once asked me if I will ever be open to the idea of reconciliation. This used to be my automatic response: I don’t know. Now that a lot has changed in my life, and in theirs, I can finally say, Someday.

To heal my wounds, I should be brave enough to face them. (Paulo Coelho)

I have always believed that all things happen in God’s time. In His time, I will have the courage to apologize. In His time, I will have the heart to forgive. I look forward to that day when we are free of ill-feelings for each other. That day when we can finally let go of all the hurt, and move on with our respective lives. I pray that as I enter a new chapter in my life, I only remember all wonderful things that have been.

Woke up feeling good this morning, being able to recover from many restless nights. It felt like it’s my first uninterrupted sleep in weeks. Since I woke up a little earlier than usual today, I carried on with my morning routine and got ready for work. I got to the office around 8-ish, and timed in at 0815H—another first since God-knows-when. I swear I used to be an early-riser.

Around 0900H, Nica and I left our station for our usual early brunch break. Today I had longganiza with egg + fried lumpiang togue + macaroni soup + half rice for brunch. This is not my typical meal, but since I know I’ll be swamped with work (yes, even on a Friday!), I thought these should keep me full for hours.

I tell you I could last eight hours at work without speaking to anyone for as long as I have my earphones on. Especially where I’m seated, it’s a must. Okay, so much for that. It’s that time of the year when production deadlines get a bit tighter. Financial year ends in April, so we have to ensure that publication schedules are met. Planning ahead or forecasting is key. Keeping a close eye on issues that need special attention, while chasing production for overdue deliverables can be really frustrating, not to mention stressful.

As soon as I got off work, I headed down to SM Sucat to grab some Dunkin’ Donuts for my in-laws-to-be. I’ve been meaning to visit them earlier this week, but the stay-in-bed weather last weekend got the better of me. I made it to a point to drop by their house today, and I’m glad I did. It was my typical feel-at-home visit at the Amigos. Tita Gladys, Miggy’s aunt, welcomed me as she was petting Seattle, Miggy’s pup. Tita Bebot (Miggy’s mom), however, asked how he’s doing as soon as she saw me. Miggy’s been busy taking NCO classes since last week (perhaps his parents miss him). Also got the chance to share a few jokes with Miggy’s dad before he left for his daily walking routine. Finally able to catch up with Tita Bebot on how Miggy and I have been doing re: wedding preparations. There’s not much to talk about, really; only a few ideas and inspirations for future reference. After an hour or so, I decided to leave since I’m already feeling a bit tired.

Just when I thought I could finally rest, my Mom asked me to drive her to the grocery store. Who am I to complain? Next thing I knew, I’m out and about again. We were on the move—first stop: BDO. Settle bills; next stop: Hypermarket. Mom had to buy fruits, some of which she’d bring to her meeting later on; last stop: OLFP. Dad’s running late for their Family Life Ministry meeting, so I dropped Mom off before he even gets there.

Pretty much crashed into our couch as soon as I got home. All I wanted was to lay down, fall asleep, and skip dinner altogether. Of course I did otherwise. I prepared myself dinner, and somehow felt better despite a kind-of-eventful day. So that summed up my Friday. Oh, wait—it’s already Saturday. Bummer.

P.S. While Mom was at BDO, she bumped into her high school classmate, Tita Lilibeth, who happens to be an event organizer by profession. Guess who *might* just get an instant on-the-day wedding coordinator for gratis? :D

    Yesterday was Clara Angela A. Cajilig’s 8th death anniversary.

    Gela, as her close friends fondly call her, was one of the most cheerful person I had ever known. We met in 1996; we were in 4th grade. I transferred from St. Scholastica’s College in Manila to Elizabeth Seton School in Las Piñas City since we moved to the city. We were busmates, but never became classmates. She had this natural straight, rich brown hair, brown eyes, and fair skin. My first impression of her was that she’s mestiza.

    Like little girls with bestfriends, whom they can share their secrets with, we became really close—so close that as soon as we got home from school, we would call each other and talk for hours. I even remember one summer break when we wrote letters to each other, and asked our moms to send them by regular mail. We did this all summer, and it felt like we never grew tired of talking to each other no matter how repetitive our stories had been.

    Sometime in 1997, I noticed that she no longer rides the bus to school. I also heard that in one of her swimming classes, she had been excused because of health reasons. I did not understand this at first, but I had come to notice the changes in her physical features. A few months since the last time I saw her, she looked like she had gained weight and her natural straight hair had become wavy (almost curly). She had told me that she will no longer be able to join in any of their PE class because her doctor had restricted her from strenuous activities as well as too much sun exposure. When people asked her why, she would say that she has lupus. To be honest, I did not completely absorb what she meant nor understand what lupus was, until I almost never saw her in campus. We stopped calling and writing to each other.

    In 6th grade, she went back to school. Gela still looked different—a little chubby with wavy/curly hair—but this time her skin had patches or what they call as butterfly or malar rashes. I had never seen her in such condition, but despite her situation, she still managed to smile and chuckle at the smallest things that make her feel so. In God’s grace, Gela was able to graduate from grade school. In August 1999, she celebrated her 13th birthday at their house. She invited a few good friends from different sections, and one of them was me. Being the bubbly person that she was, Gela showed us her pet turtles which she believed had no use since they can’t really do anything significant. Her bed was moved from the first floor to the area near their living room because it was more convenient for her [and for everybody] should she need assistance to her needs. Despite all these, she remained humble and thankful.

    I transferred to another school in high school, so we got a little distant from each other. We would only call to greet each other on occasions like our birthdays or Christmas. It was in January 2001 when I received a call from her bearing a horrifying news about our former classmate, Arlen, and her mom being murdered to death. We then both decided to visit them at their wake that weekend. If I may say, I had known Arlen and her mom to be so close that during our dismissal, Arlen’s mom would be waiting by the gate to take her home. It was one of the most heartbreaking event that I had known.

    Two years after, my Mom told me that she bumped into Tita Bebot (Gela’s mom) at the bank. According to her, Tita Bebot had grown older than the last time she saw her. Grey hairs, wrinkled skin, and she looked like she dropped a lot of weight. When my Mom asked Tita Bebot on how Gela was doing, she just burst into tears and Mom saw the pain in her eyes. Tita Bebot had recalled how painful it was for her to see Gela unable to get up from bed on her own, not being able to walk, and worst—she lost her ability to grip things in her hand. It even came to a point when Gela had to use a catheter for passage of fluids. She had been bedridden, and every now and then, they would put her on her wheel chair, roam her around the house for her to get some fresh air. With these things, Mom had told me that I better visit Gela before it’s too late.

    I was speechless.

    Sometime in October 2003, I dared myself to get in touch with Gela. I swear it took me a lot of courage to call her, and ask her how she had been doing. I did not want to sound like I knew something unpleasant was coming. I did not want her to feel that way. To my surprise, I heard her distinct, buoyant self. It was kind of a sign of relief from my end—at least she was doing okay, somehow. Without too much trying from my end, we agreed to a movie date one weekend with her dad. They picked me up at my house and went to Alabang Town Center. We had no prior idea on what movie to watch, so we ended up watching Freaky Friday, starred by Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan. She was okay. Aside from the fact that she was a little fragile because she had just recovered again, she was in a great disposition. She told me how badly she wanted to go to college, but Tita Bebot, along with her doctors, won’t allow her. She also told me about prodding her mom that they all migrate to the US since she won’t go to college. Gela wanted to take BS Education in Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila (University of the City of Manila). She wanted to be a teacher.

    Needless to say, we had fun catching up.

    On February 13, 2004, Friday, I received a text from Kyrene. She was a schoolmate from grade school, and eventually became my classmate in college. We were both common friends of Gela. In her text, she said,

    Jae, wala na raw si Clara… (Jae, Clara has passed away…)

    I froze. I read and reread her message; it somehow failed to sink in. Tears began streaming down my face. Without much thought, I went to my parents’ room where my Mom was. She looked perplexed upon seeing me, and all I managed to do was hug her tight, and broke down. When I had finally calmed myself down, I told my Mom what I was crying about. It was like on cue—we both cried in unison.

    Upon arriving at Gela’s wake, I saw familiar faces. Some were my schoolmates in grade school, some I no longer know. It was an awkward place to exchange hi’s and hello’s. Someone had told Tita Bebot about our presence, and she took us in. From a distance, I could see Gela’s white coffeen, with her best picture laying on top of it. Her elder brother, Kuya Angelo, was sitting silently at one corner of the room. There was a lot to take. She was only 17.

    Every year since Gela’s passing, I would utter a silent prayer for her eternal peace. I know she’s in a happier place right now, watching over her family and loved ones.

    Gela, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are terribly missed.

    P.S. Did you realize that the last movie we watched was Freaky Friday, and that she died on a Friday, the 13th? Mind-blowing, isn’t it?

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